Articles I wrote in high school

For the past few weeks I have been working at Halloween USA, where all of your Halloween needs are met. Supposedly. The one problem I have with this magical store is that The Man requires us to listen to certain CD's, including one CD that is full of Halloween-themed music. I do not understand this music in the least. The following song, in opinion, is not a Halloween song:
"The Witch Doctor" by David Seville, released in 1958. Is it considered a Halloween song because it includes the word "witch"? Because any witch or witch doctor who only says: "Ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang, ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang," is not very upsetting. I see no children frightened by this song. Why is it a traditional Halloween song? SOMEONE ANSWER ME!

Utah isn't quite as exotic as Florida

On July 22, '09, I embarked on the Journey of Journeys. Leaving behind all the things I knew so well, I crossed over into a mystical, faraway land known by many as Florida. My purpose for visiting this enchanting piece of land? Why, what greater purpose than to visit HER?
When I was about a year into my mission I became a zone leader and served with Debbie Thompson, one of the most hard-working, diligent missionaries in any mission. We cultivated a miraculous friendship throughout our missions, a friendship which has become stronger than Wolverine's adamantium claws and is now blossoming ever so beautifully.
Anywho, this is a picture of us about to float down the Ichetucknee River. It's a cool picture because I was dying of humidity, the tubes were coming loose on top of the car and I'm also trying to put my arm around Debbie even though there is clearly a door in-between us.

Stan "Dancing Queen" Bird

This is video footage of me dancing in the parking area of the Ogden Days Rodeo. Notice how fluid my right leg is at one point. I wonder what that guy and the two girls were thinking as they walked past; probably: "Wow. I wish I were in that suit with him."

Oregon Trip: Before the Marathon

Me, Brandon and Rocky and my dad in front of a cool waterfall. Epic.

I think this is the greatest picture ever taken. This is my niece Rocky and it looks like the picture was taken in the '20s. This was at the Tillamook Cheese Factory, one of the coolest places I've ever sight-seen.

The smile is only for show. Really the bush grabbed my other hand and I'm trying with all my might to pull it out. Flowers can be dangerous things.

Uh, excuse me, Mike? Could you move so we can take a picture of the train? Ah ha haaa, only kidding folks, they look great together.

Before the marathon my dad and I were waiting for Brandon, Marci and Rocky to show up and we found this cool train. Look at the size of that lumber.

More Eugene Marathon

Wow. Deer caught in headlights, am I right? No, but seriously, I had just received this award for being the third place male in my age division. Third Male Rigby. Mmm... just sounds right, doesn't it?

Don't we look happy? It took all my strength to stop my legs from snapping in half just to stand still for this picture. I'm pretty sure the medals are 14K gold; I'll have to check into that some more.

If you'll take careful notice, you'll see that the next person behind Brandon just gave up after being passed and started walking. He was aware that the chances were little to none of catching up again. Baby.

Marci was going so fast at this point that the lady next to her started turning into a cow! A COW! I know it doesn't make much sense, but it happened, man.

This is me throwing down my headband at mile 23. The amount of sweat that was gushing out of it and into my eyes with each step sort of defeated the purpose of wearing one. I hear the bid on eBay for it is up to $12,000 now.

Newport Marathon

I'm pretty sure this guy came in second place. Legend has it he was born without legs. Only wheels.

This is what we were running past for about 21 straight miles. Beeeeautiful.

I'm a bit puzzled as to why my dad chose to take this picture, but I'll be the first to admit it: only the very best can stretch in front of the starting line. Nice shorts, too.

Where's Waldo? Ah ha ha! HA! Hee... haaa, who am I kidding? Waldo doesn't run marathons. We do, however. I am number 604 (just about the only one wearing a headband out of everyone) and Brandon and Marci are standing adjacent to me.

A few days ago I ran in the Newport, Oregon marathon with my brother Brandon and sister-in-law Marci. It was quite the endeavor, believe you me.

Brandon and I were clearly the best-dressed of all the marathoners. Clothes not too tight, but definitely snug enough to show off huge muskles. Notice the blue whale necklace I wore the whole time.