Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Crying Baby Theory

I have a theory: it is said that little children are so innocent and pure because they just came from Heaven, obviously a very pure place. Let us suppose for a moment that this connection - between babies and Heaven - does indeed exist. Everyone knows of at least one person that somehow manages to make every newborn baby begin to cry with the intensity of a fire hydrant as soon as contact is made between the two. Conclusion: That person that makes babies cry is a devil. A walking adversary of all mankind. The newborns, straight from Heaven, can sense the evil as it grasps their tiny bodies. The person looks around awkwardly, "Man, can you believe these kids? Geez, what's with the crying? I hate that crying!" while the baby tries to send out the message: This man/woman is a monster in human skin. Heed the cries or not, there are devils amongst us.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Lou Bega - the Mambo King

For my very first post I find it appropriate to share a recent experience. So recent in fact, it happened today. I was cleaning out my grandma's basement (food storage from 23 years ago. Like tomatoes in cans. 23 years old. Tomatoes older than me.) and I came upon one of the great treasures of the universe: the cd album "A Little Bit of Mambo" by Lou Bega. Now, of all things about which to be excited, here are two: 1) I used to love the song "Mambo Nr. 5" when I was younger and it is found on this cd and 2) Lou Bega's last name rhymes with one of the hardest bad guys to beat on the Super Nintendo classic "Street Fighter".
Thus, my glee could not be concealed as I drove to work listening to the Mambo King until I the realization punched me in the face - Lou Bega sucks. I don't mean to suggest that all of his music is bad, just the music that I heard. The whole cd is about mambo music and women. Apparently you can't say the word "mambo" without it being almost immediately followed by "women", "babes", "chicks", "hotties" or "boombolatties". The first track is "Mambo Nr. 5" which is all about how he, the Mambo King, gets with lots of ladies. It is sung that a little bit of Sandra is in the sun and a little bit of Tina is what he sees. I wonder then, why the King feels the need to say that a little bit of Rita is all he needs? What about the other 18 women he is singing about? And what happens when a little bit of Jessica and a little bit of Erica find out about each other? That creates a little bit of akwardness and a whole lot of trouble for my man Bega.
The next greatest song on the cd happens to be the last song which is entitled, "Mambo Mambo". It seems you can't have a good mambo song without including the word into the song title. I thoroughly enjoyed this song not only because of the rhythm and the beat that makes you feel like a flock of happy, singing birds has erupted in your chest, but also because of the award-winning lyrics found in the verse. Allow me: "I dance the rumba, the salsa, the cha cha, the limbo, the foxtrott and even the tango. With ladies and girlies with mummies and babies and djs can play this 'cause it's on their playlist!" Let's back it up a bit. I could have sworn that in the song he sings "mommies" instead of "mummies", but mummies is just as bad if not worse. I mean, mommies would mean he is commiting adultery while dancing this most wild of dances, but mummies! We're talking about a guy who is so suave that he can get any girl he wants on the planet. He and his music are so hot that he needs more than just living girls like the rest of us worthless, non-mambo addicts so he digs up ancient bodies from pyramids in Egypt and dances with them! Incredible! I love mambo! And he dances with babies! What more could you want? Long live Lou Bega, Mambo King.