For the past few weeks I have been working at Halloween USA, where all of your Halloween needs are met. Supposedly. The one problem I have with this magical store is that The Man requires us to listen to certain CD's, including one CD that is full of Halloween-themed music. I do not understand this music in the least. The following song, in opinion, is not a Halloween song:
"The Witch Doctor" by David Seville, released in 1958. Is it considered a Halloween song because it includes the word "witch"? Because any witch or witch doctor who only says: "Ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang, ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang," is not very upsetting. I see no children frightened by this song. Why is it a traditional Halloween song? SOMEONE ANSWER ME!

Utah isn't quite as exotic as Florida

On July 22, '09, I embarked on the Journey of Journeys. Leaving behind all the things I knew so well, I crossed over into a mystical, faraway land known by many as Florida. My purpose for visiting this enchanting piece of land? Why, what greater purpose than to visit HER?
When I was about a year into my mission I became a zone leader and served with Debbie Thompson, one of the most hard-working, diligent missionaries in any mission. We cultivated a miraculous friendship throughout our missions, a friendship which has become stronger than Wolverine's adamantium claws and is now blossoming ever so beautifully.
Anywho, this is a picture of us about to float down the Ichetucknee River. It's a cool picture because I was dying of humidity, the tubes were coming loose on top of the car and I'm also trying to put my arm around Debbie even though there is clearly a door in-between us.

Stan "Dancing Queen" Bird

This is video footage of me dancing in the parking area of the Ogden Days Rodeo. Notice how fluid my right leg is at one point. I wonder what that guy and the two girls were thinking as they walked past; probably: "Wow. I wish I were in that suit with him."

Oregon Trip: Before the Marathon

Me, Brandon and Rocky and my dad in front of a cool waterfall. Epic.

I think this is the greatest picture ever taken. This is my niece Rocky and it looks like the picture was taken in the '20s. This was at the Tillamook Cheese Factory, one of the coolest places I've ever sight-seen.

The smile is only for show. Really the bush grabbed my other hand and I'm trying with all my might to pull it out. Flowers can be dangerous things.

Uh, excuse me, Mike? Could you move so we can take a picture of the train? Ah ha haaa, only kidding folks, they look great together.

Before the marathon my dad and I were waiting for Brandon, Marci and Rocky to show up and we found this cool train. Look at the size of that lumber.

More Eugene Marathon

Wow. Deer caught in headlights, am I right? No, but seriously, I had just received this award for being the third place male in my age division. Third Male Rigby. Mmm... just sounds right, doesn't it?

Don't we look happy? It took all my strength to stop my legs from snapping in half just to stand still for this picture. I'm pretty sure the medals are 14K gold; I'll have to check into that some more.

If you'll take careful notice, you'll see that the next person behind Brandon just gave up after being passed and started walking. He was aware that the chances were little to none of catching up again. Baby.

Marci was going so fast at this point that the lady next to her started turning into a cow! A COW! I know it doesn't make much sense, but it happened, man.

This is me throwing down my headband at mile 23. The amount of sweat that was gushing out of it and into my eyes with each step sort of defeated the purpose of wearing one. I hear the bid on eBay for it is up to $12,000 now.

Newport Marathon

I'm pretty sure this guy came in second place. Legend has it he was born without legs. Only wheels.

This is what we were running past for about 21 straight miles. Beeeeautiful.

I'm a bit puzzled as to why my dad chose to take this picture, but I'll be the first to admit it: only the very best can stretch in front of the starting line. Nice shorts, too.

Where's Waldo? Ah ha ha! HA! Hee... haaa, who am I kidding? Waldo doesn't run marathons. We do, however. I am number 604 (just about the only one wearing a headband out of everyone) and Brandon and Marci are standing adjacent to me.

A few days ago I ran in the Newport, Oregon marathon with my brother Brandon and sister-in-law Marci. It was quite the endeavor, believe you me.

Brandon and I were clearly the best-dressed of all the marathoners. Clothes not too tight, but definitely snug enough to show off huge muskles. Notice the blue whale necklace I wore the whole time.

Here I play a part in the Lord's work by bringing the Book of Mormon to at least one of His many nations.

In all of the smaller villages the storks build their huge nests on top of the telephone poles.

My greatest discovery in a Romanian park: a band of Gypsy pirates having a smoke!

This was my second-to-last area, Brasov. You can climb up to those letters on the mountain and see the whole city from up there.

This is me in Brasov as Assistant, before actually serving there. In every Romanian city there is a center point of town where all the good stores are and everyone hangs out, and this is Brasov's.

Romanian landscapes

Mr. Hand

This first one where Mr. Hand eats the cookie is when I was in the apartment with Elder Sean Rose from Arizona and we were waiting for something and the second video is at the car wash with Elder Alex Jepsen from Sandy. Surprisingly enough, not a whole lot of people actually liked Mr. Hand!

...and this is me at the end of the trip, ready to go home.

This is me trying to down some Tylenol before hitting more rides at California Adventure...

Ah, the beach. Everyone else was in wet suits and they gave us some pretty funny stares.

Do you think the whale trainer ever gets just a little nervous when the whale is up that high? I mean, what if a huge gust of wind came through right then and changed its direction just that much? Needless to say, the guy looks a little scared.

Disneyland really is the happiest place on Earth. I was discussing this with someone the other day: if aliens were to invade Earth, where do you think the majority of the people would flock to? Disneyland! Look how happy we are!

We were too cheap to buy any of the pictures from the rides, so instead we took pictures of our pictures. I'm not sure that's legal, but whatever. Splash Mountain has never seen such guns before! YEAH.

We were waiting forever for a ride at Six Flags that was only semi-cool. I look super cool, though, so it makes it worth it. Left to right: Caleb West, Ty Finlinson, Andy Skillman, Josh Green and me.

Wow, Bugs Bunny. Co-star with Michael Jordan. What true American heroes.

This ride was sweet. This is at Six Flags and the seats tilt forward so you're facing the ground the whole way. The kid sitting right next to me must have fallen out during the ride.

This is our all-you-can-eat section at the Dodgers game. Look how nice the turf is and take special notice of the head at the bottom of the picture. She was a bit of a naughty dresser, as I recall...

This is the park that we slept in after waiting in line for Price is Right! for approximately 9 hours. We were too early to check in to our hotel and too close to Dodger stadium to try and find a decent place to sleep, so we homeless-ed ourselves for a bit. Nice trees, though.

California

Last week was spent in the glorious paradisiacal region of California. I have never seen quite so many Asians in America. I went with friends Caleb West, Andy Skillman, Ty Finlinson and Josh Green and we did it all, baby! We went to Disneyland, Sea World, California Adventure, the beach, a Dodgers game (and we sat in the all-you-can-eat section. So many uncooked hot dogs...) the San Diego zoo, the San Diego temple (that was especially fun for the one non-member of our group: a senior missionary couple tried to convert him. ) Lost Vegas and the Price is Right! (Our show will be aired Tuesday, May 19 at like 9 or 10 a.m.) I have felt the urge to publish some pictures from the trip that I found worthy to be seen by all.

The Crying Baby Theory

I have a theory: it is said that little children are so innocent and pure because they just came from Heaven, obviously a very pure place. Let us suppose for a moment that this connection - between babies and Heaven - does indeed exist. Everyone knows of at least one person that somehow manages to make every newborn baby begin to cry with the intensity of a fire hydrant as soon as contact is made between the two. Conclusion: That person that makes babies cry is a devil. A walking adversary of all mankind. The newborns, straight from Heaven, can sense the evil as it grasps their tiny bodies. The person looks around awkwardly, "Man, can you believe these kids? Geez, what's with the crying? I hate that crying!" while the baby tries to send out the message: This man/woman is a monster in human skin. Heed the cries or not, there are devils amongst us.

Lou Bega - the Mambo King

For my very first post I find it appropriate to share a recent experience. So recent in fact, it happened today. I was cleaning out my grandma's basement (food storage from 23 years ago. Like tomatoes in cans. 23 years old. Tomatoes older than me.) and I came upon one of the great treasures of the universe: the cd album "A Little Bit of Mambo" by Lou Bega. Now, of all things about which to be excited, here are two: 1) I used to love the song "Mambo Nr. 5" when I was younger and it is found on this cd and 2) Lou Bega's last name rhymes with one of the hardest bad guys to beat on the Super Nintendo classic "Street Fighter".
Thus, my glee could not be concealed as I drove to work listening to the Mambo King until I the realization punched me in the face - Lou Bega sucks. I don't mean to suggest that all of his music is bad, just the music that I heard. The whole cd is about mambo music and women. Apparently you can't say the word "mambo" without it being almost immediately followed by "women", "babes", "chicks", "hotties" or "boombolatties". The first track is "Mambo Nr. 5" which is all about how he, the Mambo King, gets with lots of ladies. It is sung that a little bit of Sandra is in the sun and a little bit of Tina is what he sees. I wonder then, why the King feels the need to say that a little bit of Rita is all he needs? What about the other 18 women he is singing about? And what happens when a little bit of Jessica and a little bit of Erica find out about each other? That creates a little bit of akwardness and a whole lot of trouble for my man Bega.
The next greatest song on the cd happens to be the last song which is entitled, "Mambo Mambo". It seems you can't have a good mambo song without including the word into the song title. I thoroughly enjoyed this song not only because of the rhythm and the beat that makes you feel like a flock of happy, singing birds has erupted in your chest, but also because of the award-winning lyrics found in the verse. Allow me: "I dance the rumba, the salsa, the cha cha, the limbo, the foxtrott and even the tango. With ladies and girlies with mummies and babies and djs can play this 'cause it's on their playlist!" Let's back it up a bit. I could have sworn that in the song he sings "mommies" instead of "mummies", but mummies is just as bad if not worse. I mean, mommies would mean he is commiting adultery while dancing this most wild of dances, but mummies! We're talking about a guy who is so suave that he can get any girl he wants on the planet. He and his music are so hot that he needs more than just living girls like the rest of us worthless, non-mambo addicts so he digs up ancient bodies from pyramids in Egypt and dances with them! Incredible! I love mambo! And he dances with babies! What more could you want? Long live Lou Bega, Mambo King.